Golf Jokes?

A guy in a foursome was telling his friends about his new golf ball.
"Hey guys! I got a new golf ball that you can't lose."
"Whadya mean?"
"Well, if it goes in the water, it floats to the surface and comes back to the edge closest to you so you can pick it up. If it goes in the trees, it beeps constantly so you can find it and it you lose it at night, it glows."
"Hey that's cool! I want one too! Where did you get it?"
"I found it."
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Next time your playing and you outdrive your playing partner, tell him/her that they are building a new Walmart. When he/she asks where, tell them between my ball and yours. I did this to my Dad and he was pissed but he laughed really hard.
Adam
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Next time your playing and you outdrive your playing partner, tell him/her that they are building a new Walmart. When he/she asks where, tell them between my ball and yours. I did this to my Dad and he was pissed but he laughed really hard.
Adam
Yup, that's a classic one!
Here's another that a buddy sent me (some of you have already heard it)
WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not - don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do."
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUSBAND: "Okay, I'd get married again."
WIFE: "You would? (with a hurtful look on her face).
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan).
WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"
HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."
WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"
HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."
WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"
HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."
WIFE: - - - silence - -
HUSBAND: "…oh s***!"
- Bryan
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when you outdrive your opponent ask him if he has his tickets and when he asks what roll u your sleve flex and say the gun show
got my brother really good with that one
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thats a classic one. haha
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Here's a few:
What's the difference between a bad Golfer and a bad Climber? A bad golfer sounds like this: "Whack..........DAMN!!", while a bad climber sounds like this: "DAMN!.....Whack!!"
Seen at a Golf Course
1. BACK STRAIGHT, KNEES BENT, FEET SHOULDER WIDTH APART
2. FORM A LOOSE GRIP.
3. KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN.
4. AVOID A QUICK BACK SWING.
5. STAY OUT OF THE WATER.
6. TRY NOT TO HIT ANYONE.
7. IF YOU ARE TAKING TOO LONG, PLEASE LET OTHERS GO AHEAD OF YOU.
8. DON'T STAND DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF OTHERS.
9. QUIET PLEASE...WHILE OTHERS ARE PREPARING TO GO.
10. DON'T TAKE EXTRA STROKES.
WELL DONE - NOW FLUSH THE URINAL, GO OUTSIDE, AND TEE OFF
And Lastly........
Jack, Arnie, and Tiger are all waiting to get into heaven, before them is God in his throne. First He asks Jack: "What have you done to the game of golf?" and Jack says, "I have been a good family man, I put my heart into the game. I supported my family my whole life and have been a good man." God says, "Come sit to my right."...........He then asks Arnie: "What have you done to the game of golf?" Arnie says, "I played with dignity my whole life. I put everything I had into the game. I never once cheated. I was always truthful to myself and the game." God says, "Come sit on my left".........…...........Tiger then walks up and says, "I believe you're in my seat."
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Arnold Palmer and Tiger are playing a round of golf when they come to a hard dog-leg left with tall trees down the left side. Tiger looks at Arnold and asks, "Arnold, in your day, what would you have done here?" Arnold tells Tiger, "In my day, I would've taken it over the top of the trees and probably reached the green." Liking what he's hearing, Tiger tees it up and tries to take it over the trees that Arnold once did only to see his ball catch the top of the trees and bounce around like a ping-pong ball and drop to the ground in the middle of the bushes taking an unplayable. Tiger turns to Arnold and says, "I thought you said that you could take the ball over the trees in your day?!" Arnold, the cool customer he is replies, "Hell son, in my day those trees were only about 6 feet tall." Simp
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i likeit!!
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Arnold Palmer and Tiger are playing a round of golf when they come to a hard dog-leg left with tall trees down the left side. Tiger looks at Arnold and asks, "Arnold, in your day, what would you have done here?" Arnold tells Tiger, "In my day, I would've taken it over the top of the trees and probably reached the green." Liking what he's hearing, Tiger tees it up and tries to take it over the trees that Arnold once did only to see his ball catch the top of the trees and bounce around like a ping-pong ball and drop to the ground in the middle of the bushes taking an unplayable. Tiger turns to Arnold and says, "I thought you said that you could take the ball over the trees in your day?!" Arnold, the cool customer he is replies, "Hell son, in my day those trees were only about 6 feet tall." Simp
This joke is apparently based on a true story at the Masters in the 60s when Sam Snead was playing a practice round with young South African player Bobby Cole (I think) and they were at the 13th hole. Apparently as Cole just hit the ball, Sam delivered his "course in those days ...." line.
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I'd like to see someone carry the trees on the left at 13. Simp
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A foursome was on the last hole and when the last golfer drove off the tee he hooked into a cow pasture. He advised his friends to play through and he would meet them at the clubhouse. They followed the plan and waited for their friend.
After a considerable time he appeared disheveled, bloody, and badly beaten up. They all wanted to know what happened.
He explained that he went over to the cow pasture but could not find his ball. He noticed a cow wringing her tail in obvious pain. He went over and lifted her tail and saw a golf ball solidly embedded. It was a yellow ball so he knew it was not his.
A woman comes out of the bushes apparently searching for her lost golf ball. The helpful male golfer lifted the cow's tail and asked, "Does this look like yours?"
That was the last thing he could remember.
Last one I promise ...
True Confessions Of A Golfer
A man goes to the confessional. "Forgive me father, for I have sinned."
"What is your sin, my child?" the priest asks back.
"Well," the man starts, "I used some horrible language this week and I feel absolutely terrible."
"When did you do use this awful language?" said the priest.
"I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 250 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards."
"Is that when you swore?"
"No, Father." Said the man. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in his mouth and began to run away."
"Is THAT when you swore?" asked the priest again.
"Well, no," said the man, "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"
"Is THAT when you swore?" asked the amazed priest.
"No, not yet." The man replied. "As the eagle carried the squirrel away in his claws, it flew towards the green. And as it passed over a bit of forest near the green, the squirrel dropped my ball."
"Did you swear THEN?" asked the now impatient priest.
"No, because as the ball fell it struck a tree, bounced through some bushes, careened off a big rock, and rolled through a sand trap onto the green and stopped within six inches of the hole."
"You missed the %#$*& putt, didn't you?" sighed the priest.
That's all folks ...
Golf Injury
A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.
The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She explained that she was a physical therapist: "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me!", she told him earnestly.
"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be alright...I'll be fine in a few minutes", he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.
But she persisted, and finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away an laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him. She then asked him: "How does that feel?"
To which he replied: "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."
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I'd like to see someone carry the trees on the left at 13. Simp
Yeah, they would need a rocket today, but in the 40s when Snead allegedly carried them, they were much lower. Augusta was only 10-15 years old then. Apparently they got a lot higher by the time Bobby Cole got there!
Check the 4th para in this article
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Updated Golf Terms...
Here are some new "groaners" for your next golf round!

A 'Rock Hudson' - a putt that looked straight, but wasn't.
A 'Saddam Hussein' - from one bunker into another.
A 'Yasser Arafat' - butt ugly and in the sand.
A 'John Kennedy Jr.' - didn't quite make it over the water.
A 'Rodney King' - over-clubbed.
An 'O.J.'- got away with one.
A 'Princess Grace' - should have used a driver.
A 'Princess Di' - shouldn't have used the driver.
A 'Condom' - safe, but didn't feel very good.
A 'Brazilian' - shaved the hole.
A 'Rush Limbaugh' – Way to the right and out of bounds
A 'Nancy Pelosi' - Way to the left and out of bounds.
A 'James Joyce' - a putt that's impossible to read.
A 'Ted Kennedy' - goes in the water and jumps out.
A 'Pee Wee Herman' - too much wrist.
A 'Sonny Bono' - straight into the trees.
A 'Mickey Mantle' - a dead yank.
A 'Paris Hilton' - a very expensive hole
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Cops are called to a home by neighbors claiming there is a bad domestic disturbance. When they arrive, they see a woman holding a 5-iron over a man who has obviously been beaten to death. They subdue the woman, remove the club from her hands, read her the Miranda rights, and begin to interview her. The officer said, "You hit your husband with that golf club, didn't you?" She sobs, "Yes! Yes, I did!" The officer asks, "How many times did you hit him before he died?" She sobs, "I don't know! Four times, maybe six, seven times... just put me down for a five."
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Posh private club in England somewhere and there's a guy shooting the lights out. He gets to the final hole, the green of which sits in front of the clubhouse. He has about a six foot putt to break the course record. He lines it up 7 ways, stands over the ball and hits his putt. The ball is dead centre all the way to the hole until the last second when it breaks off, hits the lip and horseshoes all the way round the hole before sitting on the front lip. The guy lets forth a tirade of abuse at his ball, the hole, the green etc. After he's calmed down, he turns to his playing partners and says "I'm terribly sorry, but that was to break the course record and I just lost control there." They all said they understood entirely and left it at that. As they walked off the green, two ladies who had been taking tea on the verandah came over to complain to him about his language. He explained the situation, but they didn't accept it and marched off to the secretary's office. They told the secretary that they had been appalled at the terrible language that they had had to endure while having their tea on the verandah. The secretary nodded, while listening intently. He called the man into his office and asked him for his side of it. The man explained what had happened, how he'd been on the verge of breaking the course record and his putt had horseshoed on him. The secretary said, "well, that seems very much understandable, I don't think we need take this any further", but the two women were having none of it and insisted that the secretary put it before the committee to discuss a suitable course of action. The committee meeting the following week had both sides pose their side and then they were told to wait outside while the committee decided what should be done. After about ten minutes of deliberation, they were invited back in, whereupon the chairman said "the committee have considered what happened and the situation and have decided that from now on, ladies will not be allowed to take tea on the verandah"
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A man comes into his house after his morning rond of golf and is greeted by his wife.
Wife: Hi, How was your game?
Husband rares back and slugs her across the face
Wife gets up and says: "What was that for?"
Husband: "For 18 holes, I've hit everything Fat and Ugly. Why stop now!!"
BA DA BOOM!!
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At dawn, the telephone rings, "Hello...Senor Rod? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house."
"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"
"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot, he is dead."
"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"
"Si, Senor...that's the one."
"Damn. That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"
"From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod."
"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"
"Nobody, Senor. he ate the meat of the dead horse."
"Dead horse? What dead horse?"
"The thoroughbred, Senor Rod."
"My prize thorougbred is dead?"
"Yes, Senor Rod. He died from all that work pulling the water cart."
"Are you insane!? What water cart?"
"The one we used to put out the fire, Senor."
"Good Lord!! What fire are you talking about, man??"
"The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."
"What? Are saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle??"
"Yes, Senor Rod."
"But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?
"For the funeral, Senor Rod."
"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL!!??"
"Your wife's, Senor Rod. She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief so I hit her in the head with your new TaylorMade R9 460 driver."
SILENCE...............................LONG SILENCE..................................
"Ernesto, if you broke that golf club, you're in deep s**t..."
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A country club didn't allow women on the golf course. Eventually, there was enough pressure that they decided to allow women on the course during the week.
The ladies were satisfied with this arrangement, formed a women's club, and became active. After about 6 months, the club board received a letter from the women's club complaining about the men urinating on the golf course. Naturally, they just ignored the matter. After another 6 months, they received another letter reminding them of the previous letter and demanding action. After due deliberation they sent the women a letter advising them that they had been granted equal privileges!
What is a rider ?
A foursome of ladies came back after a round of golf. At the 19th hole in the Clubhouse, the Pro asked them "How did your game go?"
The first said she had a good round with 25 riders. The second said she did OK with 16 riders. The third said not too bad since I had 10 riders. The fourth was disappointed and said that she played badly with only two riders.
The Pro was confounded by this term "rider" but not wanting to show his ignorance just smiled and wish them better golf the next time. He then approached Jerry the bartender and asked "Jerry, can you tell me what does this term 'riders' mean?" Jerry smiled and explained that a "rider" is when you have hit a shot long enough to take a ride on a golf cart.
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* Golfers who claim they don't cheat, also lie.
* If you're afraid a full shot might reach the green while the foursome ahead
of you is still putting out, you have two options: you can immediately shank
a lay-up, or you can wait until the green is clear and top a ball halfway there.
* The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about the golf swing.
* The inevitable result of any golf lesson is the instant elimination of the one critical unconscious motion that allowed you to compensate for all your errors.
* If it ain't broke, try changing your grip.
* It's not a gimme if you're still away.
* Everyone replaces his divot after a perfect approach shot.
* A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponent's luck.
* It's surprisingly easy to hole a 50-foot putt when you lie 10.
* Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut.
* The game of golf is 90% mental and 10% mental.
* If you want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age.
* Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot is actually the beginning of the next group of three.
* When you look up and cause an awful shot, you will always look down again at exactly the moment when you ought to start watching the ball if you ever want to see it again.
* Any change works for a maximum of three holes and a minimum of not at all.
* No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to play worse
* Never keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing.
* When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one
more club or two more balls.
* There are two things you can learn by stopping your backswing at the top
and checking the position of your hands: how many hands you have, and which one is wearing the glove.
* Hazards attract. Fairways repel.
* You can put "draw" on the ball, you can put "fade" on the ball, but no golfer can put "straight" on the ball.
* A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours.
* If there is a ball in the fringe and a ball in the bunker, your ball is the one in
the bunker
* If both balls are in the bunker, yours is in the footprint.
* Don't buy a putter until you've had a chance to throw it.
* Non chalant putts count the same as chalant putts.
* The shortest distance beween any two points on a golf course is a
straight line that passes directly through the center of a very large tree.
* There are two kinds of bounces: unfair bounces, and bounces just the
way you meant to play it.
* You can hit a 2-acre fairway 10% of the time, and a 2-inch branch
90% of the time.
* Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two triple bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.
* If you want to hit a 7-iron as far as Tiger Woods does, simply try to lay up just short of a water hazard.
* To calculate the speed of a player's downswing, multiply the speed of his backswing by his handicap. Example: backswing 20 mph, handicap 15, downswing 600 mph.
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What do you call 100 white guys chasing a black guy?
The PGA tour.